[That's all the reason he ever really had to torture someone, let's be real.]
I was a lava monster at the time, so I chased him through the rocky fields until his feet were cut to ribbons. [.....] And then I did, uh. Toss him in lava.
No, there's a whole point system. There's actually no room for subjectivity at all - you lose ten points for stealing a loaf of bread, for example, even if you did it because you and your family were starving.
[fuck Jean Valjean in particular]
Technically, there's no entry protocols for Hell. We just take all the humans who don't rack up enough points to get into Heaven. Which is...basically all of them.
[He'd vaguely considered the prospect of winding up in hell - usually during one of his myriad of near-death experiences - but having concrete, hopeless rules laid out like that...]
[Well, he had asked.]
[He stares at Michael, and then-]
How have you not had a Romero zombie apocalypse yet?
[Between fully considering the implications of what he's been told or making bad jokes...well, Wash knows what he prefers.]
We had a legal challenge to the system going at one point, but only because I was there to make it. Even in front of the Judge, she wouldn't take a case from them.
...I meant, if everyone goes to hell, how have you not run out of room.
[It's never funny when you have to explain it.]
[He sighs and sits on the edge of his bed. Athena hops down from Michael's bed and up next to Wash, leaning against him. Sorry, Michael, but her partner is definitely the best at petting cats.]
So, a human in your dimension...lives their best life, goes to hell anyway, and then, what? No matter what you do, it's just...lava?
[He gestures uselessly. Nihilism is a functionally useless bitch, and as far as he can tell, it seems to be what Michael's world runs on.]
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[Wash, meanwhile, is not following this thread of conversation.]
What would you need lava monsters for?
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[Duh.]
Lots of demons really like that form, actually. They'll just hang out in those around the office.
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Are that many people afraid of being burned by lava, or is it just efficient?
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[Lava! Very bad!]
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[Jesus.]
I always kind of figured hell would tailor its punishments, instead of just...I don't know, applying lava to everything.
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[Which was...actually kinda what he was proposing, okay, but it's not like they were short on time! They're immortal and have nothing else to do!]
And they didn't wanna do that much research, I guess. But people are interesting!
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Okay, but you don't even do anything special for the really bad ones? Just...lava?
[Oddly, that's kind of a letdown.]
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[kinda seems like penis flatteners get thrown all over the place. hm.
After a moment, Michael tosses out as if it's a fun factoid:]
I tortured Victor Hugo once.
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[It takes Wash a moment to place the name.]
Why?
[And then:]
Did you throw him in lava?
[That seems to be the going trend in this conversation.]
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[That's all the reason he ever really had to torture someone, let's be real.]
I was a lava monster at the time, so I chased him through the rocky fields until his feet were cut to ribbons. [.....] And then I did, uh. Toss him in lava.
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...so you treated him like everyone else.
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It's really for the best. I didn't like his books that much when I read them. [...] Might have a different point of view now, but it was very long.
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Wait, what does that have to do with anything? Is hell subjective?
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[Michael hadn't been in any position of authority then, so he couldn't have prescribed anything different, but he certainly could've gone harder.]
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[fuck Jean Valjean in particular]
Technically, there's no entry protocols for Hell. We just take all the humans who don't rack up enough points to get into Heaven. Which is...basically all of them.
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[He'd vaguely considered the prospect of winding up in hell - usually during one of his myriad of near-death experiences - but having concrete, hopeless rules laid out like that...]
[Well, he had asked.]
[He stares at Michael, and then-]
How have you not had a Romero zombie apocalypse yet?
[Between fully considering the implications of what he's been told or making bad jokes...well, Wash knows what he prefers.]
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[Michael shrugs a little. Hey, you asked.]
We had a legal challenge to the system going at one point, but only because I was there to make it. Even in front of the Judge, she wouldn't take a case from them.
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[It's never funny when you have to explain it.]
[He sighs and sits on the edge of his bed. Athena hops down from Michael's bed and up next to Wash, leaning against him. Sorry, Michael, but her partner is definitely the best at petting cats.]
So, a human in your dimension...lives their best life, goes to hell anyway, and then, what? No matter what you do, it's just...lava?
[He gestures uselessly. Nihilism is a functionally useless bitch, and as far as he can tell, it seems to be what Michael's world runs on.]
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[Michael says, with a sort of furrow in his brow like he thought that was plainly obvious.]
Basically. Thought I could fix it, once, but... [shrug] Who knows. Maybe I can get some leverage if this whole Bureau thing really does work out.